I realize it’s been…few days since I last posted. I’ve been staying busy. I’ve looked at a ton of more places for a job, and I’ve “lowered my standards” as friends have informed me to do. Steak N’ Shake seems promising. Also, Friend J has told me he will speak to Roommate about hiring me for summer work for his lawn care business. This would be amazing.
I feel as excited and determined to begin my higher education as soon as possible. My more distant future goals are solidifying. Also, I’ve been looking into financial aid, and other loans. It is admittedly stressful, than again anything dealing with money is, but I digress. Spoke with Uncle about it, but did not tell him it was for CA. I don’t need to hear any more about how it is a bad idea to move.
I’ve been reading alot, and writing ALOT. I plow through a book in a day. In mere hours. Granted, I’m mostly re-reading. The original piece I was working on was getting…complicated. Road blocks kept popping up, so I’ve decided to put it on the back-burner and work on something I’ve had notes on for about a year or more. Most of my work is inspired by dreams and this one was particularly weird. Of course, I’ve changed it around quite a bit, but it is still the basic framework.
Last Thrusday, Master got very upset with me for being lazy. His punishment is very affective: I will not be lazy again. I hope he has been satisfied with me this past week. I’ve never been more scared in my life than when he was yelling at me. Not that I didn’t deserve it…I sooo did. My heart dropped into my stomache and I thought I was going to throw it up. Needless to say, I won’t make the same mistake again.
A few nights ago I read some of Lessons in Submission by Mark Pritchard. Simply from a writer’s viewpoint, he is an amazing author. His sense of imagery really pulled me in. From a sub point of view, I got really wet.
You have alot to give up. I really want it. It’s this transfer and acceptance of desire that amounts to your submission. -Lessons in Submission
Forever Yours,
Slave
Filled out job applications and turned them in. Money is always a constant issue and stress, added with support being pulled away by my family. Must stay strong in the face of my adversaries. Music helps.
My muse, Clio, has yet to grace me with her presence this evening. How annoying. But she did spark an interest from an article in Newsweek about women in the Catholic Church. Do I feel a non-fiction paper starting to form? Indeed I do.
My friend, Musician, just got a record deal. Lots of money involved. I envy him. However, I am not evil and I am glad he has gotten this chance to make his music. I’m proud of you! 
As for California: it feels forever just out of my grasp, but I am determined to prevail. Perhaps I will walk and see all there is to see of our nation from drab Illinois to sunny California, but no, I have no wish to be mugged and murdered on the side of the interstate.
Watched the river last night. The city lights sparkled on the waves. A slight breeze in the air, music from my car radio was soft. It’s amazing how if you just sit alone in the quiet how much your mind clears. I wasn’t worried about anything. Although, at first, alittle depressed about the concret, bricks, and buildings. I miss nature. Earlier in the night it stormed. The rain made everything smell fresh and new. The thunder was calming. I wish it stormed more often.
Sister is angry with me again, this time I have no idea about what. I was joking with Mother about dinner and how she never cooks for me anymore. I said she wouldn’t hear me complain if I moved out and was forced to take care of myself. Sister interjected with, “They would still be taking care of you.” Well, I hate to break it to you, but no, they wouldn’t. They’ve already spent their money on you, with none left for me. I have to take care of myself. Besides, I wouldn’t want it any other way.
As always,
Your Loyal Slave
Yesterday turned out to be very tiring. Boss still hasn’t called me back. I’ve left two messages. I don’t know what I am to do. I am still going to turn in other job apps to see if I can get a second job if this one does not work out.
Completed my FAFSA last night. Mother was with me, although drunk, so hardly useful. She told me to send the info to ICC. I told her I wasn’t going there, I as going to CA. She said I wasn’t going to CA. When I said I wasn’t asking she told me they won’t let me take a car. She smiled when she said this. I think she was happy to stop my dreams in their tracks. She clings to her children like we are her life-line.
Brother does not think the move will happen. The support from my family, I see, is dwindling. I have yet to speak to Father about it, but I know what he wants me to do: wait a year, then see where I am at. I want to leave as soon as possible. I cannot get trapped here forever. This life is suffocating. Though, while I am excited and anxious to move to CA, I am still very afraid. It is a huge change. I would be far away from my family, but the way they close in on each other, freedom would be nice.
I feel as if I cannot do anything right. Sister, Mother both get angry with me very easily. So does, it seems, Master. Sometimes all of their demands confuse me, and I do not know what I have done wrong. Sometimes I get stuck in a Catch-22 with no way out, but to make them more angry with me. Mother gets mad when I do not take her to the store, but yells at me the whole way there about my driving.
I am tired. I wonder if the journey is worth it. I know it is. I want the end more than anything else. Why does it have to be so hard to get there?
This is my first blog post of many. Everyday I will write about my day, what I did, ate, watched on t.v., etc. Everything. I am a slave. I have a master that I love and respect. This will be completely anonymous. I will only refer to anyone by their title in my my life. Master. Sister. Brother. Mother. Father.
If Master allows me, I will post more tonight. Bye-bye for now.
Slave
